This is that blog post that I have wanted to write for a good 6 months but have managed to talk myself out of it for certain reasons. The main reason being, I don’t want anyone who reads this blog or follows me anywhere to think it is their responsibility to cheer me up. The comments I receive on my social platforms are so supportive and I am so grateful for them but most of the time I don’t respond to them all and I always feel guilty because it’s not like I’m going to all of your wonderful blogs and commenting on them in supportive ways. Anyway, it is not your responsibility to make me feel like I am enough, that is my responsibility.
To get straight to the point, I struggle with mild depression. It is such a battle some days for me to find a positive space in my mind. I have worked at it and some days I wake up and punch it in the face and it is not there. Other days it swallows me up and I can not shake it. It’s not a bad mood and I don’t know when I’m going to wake up feeling depressed. I battled it hard my last year of college and saw a counselor every week to help me figure myself out a bit. That is one of my greatest victories, receiving help. I’m still so proud of myself for that. It took every ounce of courage in me to go to those appointments every week. Anyone who goes to counseling for even one time should be applauded. It was a long journey for me and I don’t think it will ever be over. I found some things out about myself that I needed to know to be able to grow and think and move forward. And I have in many ways. But in many ways I feel like I’m still spinning the tires and I’m stuck in the mud.
I’m unsure if I will ever be able to fully convince myself that I am enough. I want to be able to do that soooo badly. I don’t want to need things to feel good about myself. I don’t want to have to be covered in make up to feel pretty. I don’t want to feel like I’m doing great at something because of the amount of likes I get on a picture. FOR PETE’S SAKE WHY IS THAT MY BIGGEST PROBLEM??? Part of me hates social media for that. Lastly, I don’t want to have to be doing what everyone else is doing to feel okay with my choices.
The last one is the toughest for me right now. Most of my friends have a full-time job or a boyfriend or this or that and I’m always thinking why don’t I have that? I need to have the things they have to be doing things right. Well, at least 9/10ths of my brain thinks that way and the other little part is logical. I try to silence out that huge negative space in my mind, but it’s not easy.
The logical part of my brain says this to me in the quietest little whisper. “Katie, you have a company…that you started by yourself. And good for you for wanting to figure yourself out before you add someone else to the equation. Most people would not dream of such things.” That is the personality I based my company upon. My queeni. Dang, she’s so great when she’s not cursing on Twitter. She cheers me on.
These insecurities have everything to do with my career path of choice. Art will always be a battle for me.
I am not the work I create. A good or bad painting does not make me a good or bad person. It has nothing to do with who I am as a person. This separation is hard for me. I would love to be a good designer, illustrator, artist….whatever you want to call me, but more importantly I want to be a good person. A person that respects herself and feels good enough. At this rate, I will never be good enough for my own expectations. I have goals and hopes and dreams. Most of which will be achieved sooner rather than later because of the work ethic in my blood but not if I hate myself the whole way there. I cannot and will not be like that. I absolutely refuse. I will bw enough for myself. I will do great things. And my mind is in my control.
Just to clarify again, the main reason I’m writing this is because writing sets me free and I think a lot of people are encouraged to stay quiet about these types of struggles and deal with it privately. I don’t believe in that. That is actually a horrible idea. Honestly, shame on you if you are one of those shushers.