I’m glad no one told me about the simultaneous heartache and happiness that happens at 22. It’s just you at 22. I’ve never been so incredibly happy and lonely at the same time. Nothing helps you figure yourself out better than endless hours on your own, doing things for yourself and being your own company all the time. I have never been the type of person that was good at doing those essential life things. I don’t cook, I don’t pay attention to when my car needs an oil change, I don’t clean, I don’t know how to manage my finances, and I definitely don’t know how to hang a shelf. But you know what? I hung a shelf last night and it fell on my head five times but the sixth time I hung that bad boy up and stood back and looked at it for a good ten minutes, hoping it wouldn’t fall. I realized it was uneven, hung some pictures up below it and called it a day.

Most days, my only human interaction is with a three year old, talking to bloggers via email, and occasionally talking to my drawings for the 6 plus hours they take me. ISN’T THAT DEPRESSING?! Well, some days, yes. But, I’ve also never been so happy in my life. Everything I’ve ever wanted is right in front of me. Quite literally. There is a post office, fed ex/kinkos, Starbucks, and above all a Culver’s in the strip mall next to my apartment. Basically, I should never move because I hit the jackpot with this new apartment. I rarely want to leave it, mainly because I can belt out Beyoncé in my apartment and it’s not socially acceptable to do in public.

I struggled in college with myself a lot. I had a purpose and an identity as an athlete but it just wasn’t cutting it for me. I have always had a hard time creating a positive space in my mind especially when things don’t go the way I want them to. Which is all the time, because that’s just the way life goes. I always focus on all of these things I can’t do, but I can make a mean pot of coffee and I can draw a pretty picture and as it turns out, that is what matters in my life right now. There is always time to learn and improve yourself but what hasn’t made me better is thinking about what I can’t do. I am so much better than I was a year ago or even a few months ago at creating that happy space in my mind because I have found what brings me the most joy. I am figuring it out at age 22 and that is exactly where I should be.

1// that one time I pulled an all-nighter on Tuesday and died the rest of the week. Never again.

2// looking at my to do list and sporting the orange lipstick.

3// we had a moment from the Notebook this week at swimming lessons. “Bella, get in the WATER! GET IN THE WATER”

4// how lucky am I that this beautiful child follows me around? looking beyond cute wrapped up in my sweater.

5// that shelf that I hung this week. sweet, sweet victory.

6// Saturday morning sweat swag and the mirror of my dreams that I hunted for 2 years to find

7// my tiny pony

8// pin up hairstyle, 90s frames and MAC satin red lipstick

xo-

qk